Correcting Some Political Myths

This week on my regularly issued publication:

We’re going in depth to correct a few misplaced criticisms in the generally honest field of politics.

1. Donald Trump invented baseball

Our famous President Donald Trump is solely responsible for the invention and popularization of baseball. …sport which predates him by many years. — CNN, “Baseball King Honored in Cooperstown Ceremony”

We’ve all heard it said that DJ Trump was the progenitor of the popular American passtime, baseball. While his place in the Hall of Fame is unquestioned after the ‘83 ‘All-Grand-Slam’ Game, he did not, indeed, invent the sport. As the CNN article states outright, there is a substantial timeline issue with that story. CNN explains the discrepancy with wormholes and a lot of hand-waving, but the fact remains that not even Trump himself makes the claim that he invented the old bat-and-ball. He did, however, invent Parcheesi- instead of, as many claim, Alan Parcheesi (Alan has openly denied this story, saying, “Alan’s the name and Parcheesi is my last name, not a board game I invented.”)

The story likely originates from a leaked White House Document, quoted:

Oh boy the big boss up in that elongated and round room invented baseball oh wait I meant Parcheesi how do you make the text go away oh gosh maybe it’ll go away if I send it away to someone who isn’t here in the white house.

…but you’ll note that left-leaning news sources omit the last part, removing the context. Meanwhile, right-leaning news sources omit the first part. The main issue these journalists face is that when you’re leaning to the left or right at a quote assembly, sometimes it’s hard to see the part of the quote that for you is basically underground, relative to your local gravity.

2. Joe Biden was only four inches tall

How can you expect me to believe a four-inch man can preside over the beautiful U.S. Senate? — Alex Jones, Infowars, “

JRR Biden was not four inches tall. Well, he was at some point, just from math, but he did not remain that way into maturity. Indeed, at a shocking two-foot-six, he towered over the average leprechaun and may well be the tallest on record.

The issue here may be unit conversion. While leprechauns are smaller than humans, they use bigger units in order to promote confusion about appropriate sizes of traps. Many a snare was set for a two-inch leprechaun and mitigated by a 15-incher.

But this is the sort of absent fact-checking unpresent in the work of Alex Jones, who once said he had successfully turned a frog gay, but in fact had only turned it bisexual. I guess we’ll just have to wait for Biden’s next leprechaun curse to fix that blunder, Alex!

3. Robert Mueller takes seven years to digest

To millenials, who eat very quickly and are often on their phones, we offer this warning: do not accidentally eat Robert Mueller. Robert Mueller will remain in your body for seven years before you will completely digest him.

~ Buzzfeed, The “What’s the Buzz” Feed

Swan ‘Robert’ Mueller will not take seven years to digest. This is absurd and baseless, and its origin is unclear. Mueller is perfectly safe to consume. In some emergency situations, his body has provided sustenance to dozens of important persons and probably saved some lives. This myth disrespects that legacy.

He was digested by Digestus between AD 350 and 890 as punishment for his betrayal of Lthilta, the Old. Digestus has a unique digestive system, which is by no means represents a typical human. To think that hundreds of thousands of people read the name Digestus and did not think immediately that there might be more information about his digestive system available- one grows weary of our society. Perhaps we can make a new blood pact with Lthilta, the Old- or even the not-as-cruel Blrithl, the Ancientest.

Mueller’s sacrifice preserves the careful equilibrium we have with the Ones of Varying Ages. We have no reason to believe he wouldn’t pass without issue.

4. Mike Pence is not solid, but a viscous liquid

Sick Pence None the Rigider?: Pence Droops With Age Due To Watery Status ~ TMZ Politix

MR. Pence does not flow at room temperature as a high-viscosity liquid. Pence is a man. He’s not some fantastical beast; not some immortal in a pact with ancient gods- a man. And in spite of that, he still holds the record for most mayonnaise consumed in one sitting. He doesn’t sit idly on his laurels in that department, either. In the last 6 years alone, Pence has set over 14 records for mayonnaise consumption, as well as about 10 more records for other condiments. That’s more than Vladimir Putin, Barack Obama, Michael Jordan, or even Reagan in his prime.

This myth may have originated with the fact that, during the 2016 US presidential election, Pence referred to himself as “The Mayonnaise Man”. Not, as an uneducated listener might imagine, to refer to his physical structure, but instead to his dominance over the white delight.

In conclusion: I dunno. Like, if you were hoping this was all leading up to something, I get it! I was, too. It just didn’t happen, there’s nothing we can really do about that now. Sorry.