Struggling to find any topic to put into this post, I finally typed out “Sparky the Wonder Dog”. But that carried with it an air of familiarity. Was there already a Sparky the Wonder Dog? I googled it to find out. But what I found wasn’t Sparky the Wonder Dog at all. It was something darker, more sinister. I have stared now into the face of evil. What follows is intended as a warning, not as a guide. Do not venture to these empty lands after me, heed my words and forget any desire you have to discover Sparky’s true nature.

There are 12,500 google results when you search “Sparky the Wonder Dog” in quotes. Great, you think, problem solved. WRONG. The problem is just beginning. These are thousands of different dogs. One has a Dailymotion and a Youtube channel. Every tutorial maker knows that videos are the most efficient way to communicate information because it isn’t at all frustrating to browse back and forth until you find a particular step, and with that same reasoning we boldly visit these pages. Perhaps Sparky’s origin lies here.

The first thing we see on Dailymotion is the description.

Hi Everyone!!! I’m Sparky The Wonder Dog!!! My videos will be made up of many different sorts of videos to attract different people, even more pet like vids!! Uploading once per day!!

Uploading once per day, it says. And yet, there are only five videos. Do you think that doesn’t add up? Wait until you see the description for the youtube channel.

Hi Everyone!!! I’m Sparky The Wonder Dog!!!

My channel consists of me and my owner Mantha!

My videos will be made up of many different sorts of videos to attract different people, even more pet lovers!!!

Upload days are on Sundays and may be revamped to even more days!!

Subscribe for more content and also check out my other social medias!!

Was this description written first, and the days revamped? Or were the daily uploads never a serious promise, and the youtube description wanted to be more honest?

Here we see evidence of Sparky having some underwater adventures in the Summer of 2017.

Perhaps at this point I learned that the Sparky I’m discussing died of liver disease in December. Perhaps I didn’t want to rewrite all that I’ve writen so far, and now I’m forced to make an insensitive post where the dog dies. But it’s more likely that that didn’t happen.

Sparky the Wonder Dog makes another appearance here. But this isn’t the Sparky we know and love. This Sparky is an impostor. He murders lizards. He owns a service monkey. This post was made months before the birth of the Sparky with a youtube channel. This Sparky is a lie. Also it is probably dead by now. Sorry.

We find reference to an older Sparky on the cooperative research site uncyclopedia, which I remember being funnier than this page implies. This Sparky is the product of Russian experiments, the same Russia that voted for Donald Trump this past election. Sadly, this Sparky died in 1799.

Here is a Facebook page for yet another Sparky the Wonder Dog. Yes, the same Facebook that recently revealed that they have been selling personal information, and also revealed that a long time ago, and everybody already knew it and they were already telling you not to use Facebook but you did it anyway because apparently it didn’t matter until Cambridge got involved. Also Mark Zuckerberg is probably a sociopath. Bearing all this in mind, let’s flip through some posts by Sparky.

they want me to stay out o mud and shit [but after wot they got the vet to do to me ] NO CHANCE !!!!!!!!!!!

Adorable. This dog is cute, and it swears. What more could be asked for?

RIP sparky the wonder dog 💔

Oh. I guess I should have asked for this dog to still be alive. Regrettable.

Moving depressingly forward (and noting that this post is starting to take form because all of the dogs are dying, which is sort of a mixed bag), we press on to Twitter. Twitter is the website that arbitrarily stripped people’s ability to have meaningful conversations, and simultaneously convinced everyone to discuss politics there. Thanks Twitter! I’m glad that things suck now! I’m glad that all of these dogs keep dying! TWITTER!

Anyway, Sparky’s twitter page describes a powerful, talking dog.

Sparky notices Rico slowly drawing his chrome plated Pfeifer-Zeliska .600 Nitro Express from a secret pocket in his trousers. “Ah, that answers one question” he thinks to himself. He puts his paw on Rico’s hand to reassure him everything is cool. “He might be of use” he whispers.

That’s a clever dog, yeah? Surely this dog’s wit means he won’t get MAILED AWAY AND NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN. SURELY.

“What do we know of the gin mill cowboy that Priscilla is jungled up with?”. “He’s got a monkey on his back”. “Good to know” say Sparky.

Could this monkey be related to the service monkey that Sparky kept in another life so long ago?

Regardless, this Priscilla doesn’t seem to be that important, and we should make sure to keep Sparky safe.

the gang decided it would have to be an inside job and packaged up Sparky to be mailed to the address where Priscilla is held up in Parsons Green.

No. No. Don’t do this. Guys. Don’t do this. Come on.

Next day delivery - or is it?

I literally just told you not to do this.

This next dog was born just four days before me. So naturally, it’s dead. Even its Dogster page is now-defunct. Dogster is the Friendster for dogs. Friendster is the Myspace for people who are older than the people who used Myspace instead of Facebook, which is the not using Facebook anymore for people who are still on Facebook.

With tremendous sadness I report that Janet and I learned yesterday that our 15-1/2 year old short-hair, black & tan, miniature dachshund, Sparky, has cancer.

So many dead dogs, and no answers. Who was the original Sparky the Wonder Dog that all of these dogs reference? What force links all of these dogs together only to tirelessly kill them, one after the next?

Could it be that they are in reference, intentionally or not, to Sparky the Fire Dog, a mascot for the NFPA dating back to the 1950s? Oh, yeah. It could be that. That makes sense. But then, it could be anything else too, I don’t know.

Thanks folks, have a nice night.